Could it be true?

Last night I was browsing a bookstore and found a little book titled "The meaning of life." Now that caught my eye for sure but there is more. The cover is a picture of a frog. Not just any frog mind you but an errant frog. They very ones up in the corner of his site. I immediately grabbed a copy and what is on the back cover? That's right a monkey. Now I think that that clearly is a sign. Somewhere between frogs and GorillaJuice lies the meaning of life? Or is it that only with Frogs and GJ is the meaning of life understandable? Beats me brother but cool huh?

Later,

Sam

Flakey the wonder customer

Yesterday I had a customer shopping for a recumbent. He was a nice old cat, very animated and funny in an odd way. He had some sort of skin condition that made me think of a post on a friend’s blog. Anyway he sat down on about 6 bikes before I noticed that every time he got up big pieces of skin were left behind. They were about half the size of a dime and smaller. It seriously grossed me out. I had to work really hard not to stare at the seats and their new fleshy coating. When he had left I went and got a shop rag and some simple green and wiped down all of the bikes he’d been on. I thought that was enough ‘til this morning when I noticed I had missed one and got totally grossed out once again.

Later,Sam

the razor comes - the beard goes

I have done away with the beard.  Yesterday I decided to remove the damned thing from my face and so it is gone.  Funny but that act had a somewhat transformative effect on my psyche as well   I felt better/ happier/ lighter when it was gone.  Perhaps it was where all of my stress and grief were hiding?  As if each whisker were some piece of grief or a burden all on it’s own.  They have been washed down the drain and I am free of their unwanted influence.  (Too dramatic?)  Whether that is the case or not I do feel different now that it is all gone.

Oh and Yes I still have the Goatee.  That aint never gonna change.  Sorry mom.

Later,
Sam

36 +1

Ok so it happened.  My day was moving along and I was feeling like I was stuck on the train to the gulag.  Then it started to get better.  Then some friends called.  Then some more wrote.  Then Frogs told people to come say hey (Thanks Frogs) and some did.  Then I went out of town and had dinner and went to see Pericles at an outdoor Shakespeare fest with fantastic company.  We got rained out.  It was great.  The theater company was “ok” but they soldiered on and that won me over.  Plus really how much fun is it to watch Shakespeare while there is lightning and rain.  Tres’ Dramatique. (that’s fake French)  I had the single best birthday ever.  I aint sharing it with you all.  I want to keep it for me.  I was given the greatest gift I’ve ever received.  A FIRST EDITION of “the Razor’s Edge.”   I almost fainted.  (that’s just for dramatic effect)  I got another great gift but again that’s not for you guys.

Thanks for all the emails and comments.  I’m blushing.  (in spirit)  Ok I have to get to work.

Later,
Sam

Not with a bang

Not even a whimper. Silence. I'm awake. I woke up a bit before 4am. So I'm 36 today. That does not make me happy. Why not? I am running out of time and there is still too much to do. I spent the morning trying not to be pissed off...it didn't work. Are you guys as bored with me as I am?

Zoidberg / Lieberman

Does anyone else think that Joe “Kill em all” Lieberman sounds exactly like Zoidberg from Futurama. Now I have never heard Zoidberg try to convince us all that Bush’s war was ok but otherwise they really seem to be the same voice.

Let’s talk a bit about Lieberman. He is doing this big push right now trying to convince us all that he is a good Democrat. Does anybody really buy that crap? He is so right wing the republicans count him as a consistent vote. The man is pro-corporation, pro-Israel, pro-war. Really what’s not for the republicans to like?

ride

It’s a gorgeous day outside.  I am sitting in the house in the front room working on some stuff for the new job.  I really want to just go for a ride and burn off the energy and stress from the week.  There is something really cathartic about riding until you can barely move.  Riding through the pain in my legs and back.  Through the fire in my lungs.  These things become stepping stones on the ride rather than walls that stop you.    

The beard of doom

The beard is really starting to bug me.  It’s been about two weeks and it itches like hell.  Not to mention it’s the hottest part of the year.  I am not shaving.  It almost seems like a challenge.  I can outlast you.  It’s a bit like cycling.  My friend Jack says “Cycling is about out suffering the other guy and I can out suffer you.”  I know it sounds macho but it isn’t really.  It’s about enduring and overcoming.  So I’m gonna let this beard grow until at least Interbike (the last week of September).  That will show it.

Later,
Sam

Floyd Landis won

Floyd Landis won the tour.  Now I know he’s the shit and on his worst day ever is 100 times better than me but I just don’t like Floyd that much.  The thing is he’s just too nice.  He is nice to the press.  He is nice to his team when they let him down.  He is nice to his opponents.  He’s just too fucking nice.  The great Captains (Hinault, Merckx, Coppi, Armstrong…I’m not including LeMond cause he’s a whiney little chit) have been forces to be reckoned with.  They inspire.  They intimidate.  They lead.  

Oh yeah baby!

Oh yeah baby!

I have power!  All of my prayers to the gods of cheese have paid off.
Air conditioning and tv.  Hooray!

How did he die? Typing.

It’s hot and quiet and very soon dark.

Let me describe what it is like here at the moment.  The storm took out the power for ALL of the towns around here.  Roughly 76,000 people are without power for the next several days.  Most of the grocery stores are closed.  The gas stations are all closed.  Home Depot and Target are on generator power.  If you have never shopped in a major chain store that is on generator power allow me to describe.  It’s dark and empty.  There are a few worker bees that will take you to the isle you need and help you see better with their flashlights ($8.99).  The entire experience is delightfully surreal.  I went to Target (the second t is silent like Tar-jay) and bought a DC to AC power inverter for 19 bucks.  That lets me run the car like a generator and charge up my laptop.  (39% and rising)  That means that Sam gets to have some link to the outside world for a bit.  HOORAY!  It also means that I can watch a movie if I want and I usually do want.  

Thankfully it is supposed to be much cooler tonight, that will be a nice change.  The dogs are bored silly and keep wanting me to wrestle with them.  I do for a bit then they realize that it’s hot and stop.  Then twenty minutes later they have forgotten and want to wrestle again.  They are like that with a lot of stuff.  Not so bright my dogs but fabulous regardless.  Well in the house it is just muggy.  It isn’t terribly hot, maybe 80 but there is no air moving so it seems more sauna like than anything.  Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining here.  I didn’t lose my house or the dogs or a car.  I am just without power for a bit.  No big deal.  Though on this farm when the power is out so is the water (well and pump).  Thankfully I drained the water from the holding tank so I can flush the toilet.  

It is now very dark in the house and I am wearing one of my camping headlamps.  Picture this.  A bald man with about ½ a beard, shirtless, in his shorts sitting in the dark typing on a laptop that is plugged via a long extension cord to a car.   Now really how is it that I am not married?  Oh I forgot to mention the headband with a light on it.  Very sexy.

Until then,

Sam

more about the tornado

Well it's official today sucks. There is no power at the house either. The dogs are fine and there isn't any damage to the place so really it's just a nuisance thing. The power company is telling us that we will be without power until sunday mid-day. That is not good news for the shop. Saturday is our big day and losing one is not good for the numbers. But so it goes. The good news is that the temp is below 80 so I won't be sweating to the oldies tonight at the house. But my old farm doesn't have water with the power out so i'll be heading to the store for some of the bottled variety. I guess I'll be eating out tonight too. See it's an opportunity for adventure. Ok so that's spin but really it could have been so much worse.

Getting home took almost and hour. No power = no stoplights = morons in cars. So you know I am posting this on battery power and over a phone line.

Later,
Sam

Another tornado

Another tornado!

This one was not as nice to us as the last one.  The shop is a mess.  There is water fucking everywhere.  The power is out and I am certain that we have fried some circuits.  Also my neighbor Micki’s truck is now parked UNDER the giant tree out back.  It isn’t a nice picture.  I am going to close up and go check to make sure the dogs are ok and that the house is still there.  The sirens haven’t stopped for an hour.  There are apparently quite a few people injured.

Some days,

Sam

Dallas swat?!

Anybody ever watch Dallas SWAT?  It is a “reality show” about, well the Dallas SWAT team.  I watched an episode a while back and spent the entire time yelling at the tv.  I don’t have a big issue with police tactical teams, it’s a fact of life that they are needed.  I wish that weren’t the case but alas.  No the problem I have with this show is that these guys “John Wayne” it for the camera.  “John Wayneing” is military slang for showboating or doing something dangerously stupid.  Those are the guys who draw fire and get others killed.  It is not a term of endearment.  Ok everybody caught up?  I watched these guys do a “raid”, that is cop speak for assault, on a one story strip club/drug house.  These guys did this stupidly complicated operation on the place.  Listening to them try and justify the specifics was fucking hilarious.  I guess saying “we have this cool stuff and want to show everybody how cool we are.”  isn’t really an option?  Look doing cool guy stuff is fun as hell but doing it under fire just to show off is asinine.  Maybe I’ve spent too much time with professional soldiers to be anything but disgusted by the antics of these flatheads.  

Later,
Sam

Love in the land of zombies

Love in the land of Zombies


Contrary to popular belief, zombies don’t look like the undead. They don’t go around moaning and trying to eat your brain. For the most part they look just like the rest of us. And as in the case of my zombie they can be very beautiful. I met my zombie just prior to her going into full zombie mode. We did the things that normal people do. We went to dinner, talked and just generally did the dating thing. I should have noticed though that she wasn’t quite normal when many, many days would go by without word. This is common behavior for zombies. They have cycles of increased zombification and times when their levels are so low they seem just like the rest of us. The interesting part about zombies is that they become zombies of their own free will. No one casts a spell or whacks them with some magic hammer. No they actually compete for it and then sign on the dotted line for the privilege. They forsake their families and pets and boyfriends for the zombie way. My zombie is, or at least was, just great. She was smart and funny and just about the right amount of odd. But she went into full zombie mode so long ago I’m starting to forget what she looked like. Someday soon she will be back but man it’s hard, dating a zombie.


UPDATE: Well I've gotten a lot of emails about this one. It's not supposed to be some sad "wah look at how hard my life is" thing. this is just a bit of funny nonsense about dating a woman in medical residency. You can all relax now.

random thoughts

My farm is really beautiful at first light.  I like to sit in my big ugly green chair in the study and look out the window at this giant ivy covered tree as the light changes around it.  My pal, Otis, lives there.  He is a young raccoon.  You think you have an active night life?  Well Otis is the man.  Often he is coming home while I’m getting up.  Some days, when I have the windows open, I talk to Otis.  I ask him about his night, the best places to hang out, if he ever thinks of “settling down”.  Otis isn’t really much of a talker but he can convey a lot of info with just a look.  That’s just the way raccoons are.  They aren’t known for their conversations.  They revel in the whole, aloof thing.  

Tonight we had a tornado.  Nothing bad happened here but the show was really impressive.  Green sky, roaring wind, very, very creepy.  In addition to that I had another episode of “what the hell is that smell?”  This time the smell was a dead possum.  Now normally that’s merely a bummer for the possum and a minor nuisance for me.  But today it was hot.  Very hot.  So when I got home to the dead thing it had spent the day bloating in the sun.  A big part of that involves making a smell.  The smell was HORENDEOUS.  I have moved the deceased beast away but it still stinks.

Later,
Sam

Oh with the heat!

My neighbor Micki just put one of those groovy old thermometers outside and it read 115 in the sun! Yikes! Today I am so very happy to be in the air-conditioning. Why yes I am a hypocrite. Thanks for noticing.

Later,
Sam

Oh and I'm still not a cop.

I need a cookie and a nap

It’s hot. No really hot. The bank sign read 102 today. I have had a very long day and was just fried. What’s my point? Well I didn’t feel like cooking tonight so I decided to do the drive threw thing. I pull in to the drive threw and order a chicken sandwich and some fries (for the dogs). Up to the window I go to greet the high school winner that will undoubtedly greet me. When I get there the teenage girl slides open the window and says: “$5.39 are you a cop?” Wha!? Am I a what? I shit you not. This kid asked me if I was a cop. ME! Shaved head, goatee and a week and half worth of beard.
“no I’m not”
“good. But man you look like a cop.”
“Ok. Well I’m not.”

My food comes and I leave. As I’m driving away she says to the rear of my car.
“Hey man don’t become a cop!”

Ok well that was mondo weird and all but I had my food and wasn’t scarred or anything so alls well. I get home. Run the idiots for a while. Then I start in on dinner. I split the fries between Charlie and Jackie. Now it’s time for my chicken sandwich. There’s just one small problem. It’s a cheeseburger. Now I don’t eat red meat so the dogs have a really nice dinner.

What would have happened if I had been a cop?

Some days you get the bear and some days the bear gets you.

Later,
Sam

Yes I know that's not the proper spelling for drive threw. But it's the one I want to use.

my day (an overview)

Let me tell you about today. After working around the house for a bit I headed over to the Alpine Shop in St. Louis. Think of it as a much nicer, locally owned REI. Their kayak guy is supposed to be really good and I wanted to talk to an expert. I have been having boat envy issues lately. I read about the Northern Forest Canoe Trail a while back and have been dreaming, literally, about paddling parts of it with Kate. The first step for me to do that is to get another boat. I sold all of my kayaks a few years ago. They were all whitewater boats and I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to do some touring and ocean paddling. That’s why this Northern Forest thing has caught my eye. It is a true wilderness trail with great portages and camping only. None of that yuppie hotel crap for me. This trip, in my mind, is all about getting out and being out in nature for a while. Well John, the kayak guy, was in fact the shit. He knew his stuff and didn’t try to dazzle me with bs. I have a woody for a new Current Designs “solstice GTS HV but it’s almost $3K and so is out of my budget. I will probably end up with a “storm” instead. It’s much the same boat but is rotomolded (plastic) not Fiberglass so isn’t quite as sexy but is a bit more heavy duty so should survive my treating it like a tool better. Also it’s half the price of the Fiberglass boat. Sam very much wants one.

Next I went to have lunch with Andrew at BB’s Jazz Blues and Soups. It’s this really nice little joint that has a good lunch and at night plays way fun music. Lunch took way too long but we had a good time. Lots of talk about W and his idiots and their defense of the ban on embryonic stem cell research. Between that and the talk of Israel and that whole can of horse shit we had quite the conversation. After that I had to head over to help my friend Mark move into his new condo. 100 degree day and he wants to do this at 1:30 in the afternoon. Not fun. Later I headed back to the house to cool off and just kind of decompress from the heat.

So that’s it. That was my day.

Later,
Sam

Jag and the Bear

Ok so I’m just flipping around the channels for a few minutes when I come across this.  JAG, clearly one of the worst shows ever, is on and it catches my eye.  Why?  Because BJ of BJ and the Bear is a “guest star.”  While I have to admit that I am a huge fan of BJ and the Bear I have to say it is a bit disturbing finding him on JAG.  Does anyone know why JAG is still on the air?  Has anyone ever watched it for real?  I know I watched it every few days when, years ago, I was in italy and desperate for anything from the US.  I got over it.  By the way if you get a chance watch any American popular tv in a foreign language.  It’s fucking hilarious.

Later,
Sam

a few thoughts for the day

Yesterday my riding partner Gary came by. He was going to use his truck to help me move all of my stuff from the shop. Three years worth of 80 hour weeks and my compulsive need to collect cycling bits has led to an enormous pile of parts. I have enough stuff to build five or six bikes. There are frames and boxes on boxes of components. I don’t have any idea how many wheel sets I have. Between all of that and my tools, bike stand and the rest it’s quite a lot of gear. The other thing we were gonna do was take all of the bags of trash that I had piled outside to the dumpster at the shop. I have been planning on renting a big dumpster for here at the house and going through everything again just tossing away whatever I could but time and money aren’t going to allow it before I head out east. Rather than leave the 20 bags of crap sitting outside I went ahead and took them away. Normally I would just take them a few at a time in Eloise but they have been rained on several times and had taken on a magical smell. Not the sort of thing I really want to put IN my car.

So we did that and then we watched the morning tour that I had Tivo’d. This year is really strange. The yellow has changed hands something like 8 times already. There really is no clear leader. Team discovery has fucking fallen apart. It’s really shameful. My pick for the year, Jan Ulrich, got tossed out before the start for doping suspicions. That really sucks. There was a brutal crash on the members of the breakaway too. It was painful to watch.

I almost forgot. Gary, who is a pretty damned good cook, brought me two plates of shrimp and bits that he had made. I ate like a starving dog. It was fucking incredible. I did that thing where I ate it all even though I was full just because it tasted so good.

Today I am running errands and doing some general shopping. Oh the fun. I get to buy cleaning products and check out some prices for the things I still need for the never ending bathroom project. I need to get going the day is here and there’s a lot to do.

Happy birthday Harry

Harry Dean Stanton is 80 fucking years old today. Seriously he served in WW2! That kinda freaks me out. He was in Repo Man for christ sake.

I need a nap

Sam

Reflection is a bitch

Reflection is a bitch.

I have been forced, due to the murder of my hard drive, to rethink the way I look at my writing. With that came a greater look at all of the things in my universe. It seems that almost systematically all of the things I have come to use as crutches over the last several years are vanishing. (I’m going to talk about my health nightmare here so if you’re sick of the subject move on.) Those things included my Doyle, who I miss everyday, my job at the shop, which has been taken from me, and also my writings, which are all gone.

There is an enormous amount of change happening in my life right now. It feels like the life I have lived while ill is rapidly disappearing. When parts of it go I feel this amazing sense of loss and fear. Why? Is it because I held on to it so tightly when I was fighting to stay alive? Is it that I have become comfortable with it and change scares me? Or is it because growth is painful? I am not the same man I was 5 years ago that’s true but I am also not the man I was during the surgical horrors. It seems almost like the life before was training, a sort of pre-requisite to living my real life. The surgical nonsense was the process (horrifically painful process) that not only killed my old life, the old me, but also gave rise to the new me and the new life. When another part of my old life ends I have a moment of panic that seizes me until I realize that it isn’t really happening to me but to the ex-me. It starts to get a bit existential I know but really I am not having some sort of psychological thingamajig.

The process is oddly liberating. What happens next is all up in the air. I don’t have the control issues that I used to. Hell I don’t have control over anything. You just have to watch me try and get Charlie in for dinner to know that. More importantly there is a future. I have been throwing away so much stuff lately. All of the little stuff that I have accumulated over the years. The crap and bits that seemed really important at the time but now seem so pointless. Don’t get me wrong I’m not talking about those little things that remind me of a place or time or person or a time with a person. No I’m talking about the effluvium, the kitsch that has filled up all the corners and surfaces in my life. The old camo gear from days long gone, the stacks and stacks of magazines that were kept for one article or another and rarely, if ever, re-read. That stuff is on its way out.

Of course one of the biggest changes, as anyone who knows me will attest to, is Kate. I am not going to get into all of that but it’s definitely a big change in the world of Sam. A shift in the way I live my life. I am making some appearance changes as well. I'm growing a beard. Sorry mom. She hates my goatee already but so it goes. Before you ask no I am not going to grow hair on my perfectly shaven head just the beard. At least for now I'm growing it. Who knows what will happen in another month. Maybe more tattoos!? That was for my mom. It's fun to fuck with your parents. The poor woman has this big, bald, opinionated, motorcycle riding, ex-gun bunny for a kid. Hey I'm her fault. She raised me.


Later,
Sam

I've fixed the rss feed

Ok so I have been really lax about the actual blog format. With the new job I have had to learn a ton of net-specific stuff and in the porcess I have learned about proper blog management and rss and atom etc. So now the feed is working and there are several changes in the works. Oh and I am going to put links to the beta sites I will be working on so please do visit them and give a good critique....be brutal. It's important that it be good not that I feel all warm and fuzzy.

They killed her!

THose ass clowns at HP CORED MY HARD DRIVE!!!! It's bad enough that they broke the screen while she was there and charged me to replace it but then they put in a new hard drive. That means that about 3000 hours of work are gone! Tens of thousands of dollars of work gone. All of the custom software GONE!.. I asked them several times if they were gonna touch my data and GONE gone gone gone gone gone

Goaaaaaaal!!!

Oh yes! ITALY has won their 4th world cup. This time against the French. By all reports it was an ugly match but my boy Buffon allowed only three goals in the entire series, all today. So I will be wearing my Buffon goalie jersey tomorrow and smiling like the cheshire cat.

That is all,
Sam

My baby will be home tomorrow!

For the last few weeks my laptop has been away at HP getting souped-up. She is getting an up rated motherboard and a new “super-bright” screen. Why do this rather than just buy a new machine? Well I really like the vibe from this one and just don’t want to get rid of her quite yet. I am really gonna need my baby for the new job. However the time away from my laptop has led me to discover a few things. I NEED my laptop. It has all of my software set up the way I prefer to use it and all of my websites faithfully loaded into Firefox but more than that it is my archive. It is my office and my art studio and my entertainment center all in one and without it I feel almost homeless, emotionally speaking. Every thing that I have written for the last year and a half is on that thing. I have most of it on paper but both the books I’m working on are in there and they are the ONLY copies. Not smart. I know, I know. I have many external drives and have backups of most everything else but for some reason not my writings. That will be remedied on Monday when la macchina is returned to me. I have discovered another thing. I have had to use a few different machines to post and get work done in my time away and well I don’t work as well on another keyboard. I feel more creative when sitting at that machine than I do almost anywhere else. I think it must be like the chef who has a preference for HIS knives and just can’t get into the proper groove without them. Other keyboards are fine and functional but they simply aren’t my baby and so don’t feel right. Soon I will have my machine back and I can get back to work on the 5 projects that I need her for. I have a book of letters that will be going to press in about a week. It is more of an archival thing for me and a test for another much larger project so I am really curios to see how it all works out.

Later,
Sam

Talk about a hard sell

Today, saturday, is our busiest day and usually a bit chaotic but today takes the cake. Around 2pm it slowed down for a few minutes and an older couple came in. He was maybe 63 she was a bit younger. They asked all of the standard new rider questions and were clearly just
out looking at toys. After a bit I left them be to browse in peace and went back to the counter to look up some parts for the shop. While doing this I hear coughing...then choking....then a wet glak, glak sound followed by someone pounding on their chest. I turn around and the old guy is turning blue and giving the international symbol for "I CAN'T BREATH!!!" I walked up behind him and gave him the heimlich..once. Out flew this quarter sized mint. I then turned him around and checked to make sure he could speak. He immediately started turning pink again and said, with some difficulty, that he was fine. He wouldn't sit down so I had him lean on the counter for a bit. He then says, just as casually as can be, "That's the second time this week." What! Yes chimps and dames this was his second choking incident in one week...

He still didn't buy anything and I couldn't get the partners to let me take the afternoon off.

later,
Sam

a bird in the bedroom is worth how much?

This fine morning I was trying really hard to lie to myself and pretend that I was still asleep at 6. It wasn't working. I was listening to all of the birds outside. I sleep with the windows open whenever possible. They were making an unprecidented amount of noise today and I heard one that I don't remember ever having heard before. It was very loud and distinctive. I then heard a crash in the dining room. My first thought, as the dogs were in their pen, was a mouse. I have had a hell of a time keeping field mice out of the house since Keeno died. I tried to be all stealthy and sneak out of my bedroom to see if I could eyeball the little bastard when there was an even bigger crash. What I saw was a small very frightened brown bird. The window in my study apparently doesn't have a screen in it this morning and he/she flew right in. The poor thing was slamming into every window trying to get out. I did my best bird wrangler impression and tried to point it to the guest bedroom. Imagine me, half naked, swinging my arms around and over my head all while making these little calming, as if to a sick child, sounds. Yep that was me. I got the bird into the guest room, shut the door and opened a screen window. The next 15 minutes were spent with my doing more of the same waving and cooing at this poor little bird as it flew around the room about 20 times. Eventually, after a frank discussion about the fates of small birds and drywall and the mechanics of energy the bird flew out the open window. I am sure that it was the conversation and discussion of physics and energy that did it. That will drive anyone to charge out the nearest window.

Feeling very self important at having "saved" an animal life I took a moment to realize it was a bit chilly and so I headed back to the warm, soft, wool blankets of my bed. I had just slid under the covers when I heard a crash from the dining room. This one was for sure a mouse! Again I became captain stealth and slunked toward the room.....only to find another, identical small brown bird. Now just re-read the previous paragraph but change 20 to 30ish. I don't know if both of these birds came in together or if there is some magical bird portal that opens into my dining room. I decided not to stay and find out so I got dressed and headed out of the house to kill some time out in the world for a bit before chaining myself to the shop for the day.

later,
Sam

Why yes those are my underwear

Tonight as I came home from work I remembered that I needed dog food and trash bags. Don't ask. So I'm tooling around the grocery store and I put my keys into the pocket on the side of my shorts. They are the same shorts I wear everywhere. Nothing special. So what happens when I do this you ask. Well nothing for about five minutes until I am in the cereal isle looking at a good deal on my favorite breakfast choice. That's when my shorts just shoot down to the floor. I am now standing in the grocery reading the back of a box of cereal with my shorts around my ankles just showing the kid next to me my nice clean red boxers. I actually wasn't upset about it cause it means that I am still losing weight. (handsome devil that I am) It could have been much worse if say a parent hadn't started laughing and say had started screaming about the pervert.

Now you know,
Sam

Take a left past rational and keep walking

Ok so I had a bit of a meltdown the last few days. I think I turned into crazy boyfriend guy for a few days. I am not very proud of my allowing fear/anxiety to become such a big part of my universe. It was not one of my finer moments. I didn’t hear from Kate for several days and the last time all of that happened she had left so I freaked out…. completely. I have never gotten that freaked out ever. Well one time I woke up with something IN my right ear and kinda’ lost it for a while but let’s remember that I was on some serious percoset at the time and there was a bug in my ear so it doesn’t really count. NO this one is all mine. I own it. I allowed my emotions to overwhelm my rational self and turned into a nutcase for a few days. It isn’t all about Kate, she was just the catalyst and, unfortunately, the focus. With my being forced out of the business that I built and with this ridiculous lawsuit (I can’t talk about it but it is a huge pain in my ass) I am fairly well stressed. Then there was the whole Kate came back, is she back, what’s going on stuff and on top of it the daily BS from the business and it all was, apparently, more than my little emotional self could handle. So readers I have made an absolute ass of myself for the last several days. A right proper git I am. What did I do? Well let me tell you. I called her about 20 times in five days. I drove to her place to have a talk, unannounced! Twice! The first time she wasn’t home so we can add stalker guy in there too, great. I am so very proud. Seriously I just came unglued for a few days and unloaded this massive amount of stress at her.

Why the massive overreaction? I spent much of this morning thinking about that and I have a few ideas. The first is that I am carrying more stress than I realized and so any additional was just ratcheting up the twitch levels. Next would be that I lost track of how fantastic my life is because I got caught up in focusing on the crap that was happening instead of all of the great stuff. (more on that later) The other thing is that well…umm….Kate is far more important to me than I really want to admit. Those of you unlucky enough to know me know that I am usually an “in charge” kind of guy. Command decisions followed by immediate action. I make statements rather than question most of the time. I am always on guard in some way. My armor is always on. I can’t help it it’s just who I am. With Kate I am disarmed, utterly defenseless. It both scares the shit out of me and thrills me to no end. I don’t want to start sounding flowery or pie eyed so let me just say that if I haven’t screwed this up, and I may have, then I am just gonna “keep my eyes on the prize” and navigate this as best I can. I have no doubt that I will fall down a few times but I have never shied away from something just because it was tough or dangerous. Hell that’s part of what makes it worth doing.

Today I am focusing on all the other aspects of my life. The great new job, the farm, my idiot dogs. The fact that my health is great, I feel better than at any time in the last several years. That I have such truly good friends. That Kate is here and I can simply trust in that and let the fear/anxiety over it speak its peace and move on past it. This whole being alive and living life thing is a helluva trip. What is an adventure without some challenges?

Let me finish with this. I am sorry for being such a pain lately and stressing out on the people in my life that I care about. Thanks to all of you for being here and for caring. I heard everything you said and if, as it is said, the true measure of a man is the quality of his friends and the people who love him then I have a lot to be proud of.

Oh and Kate. Thanks for putting up with me. You’re fantastic.



Later,
Sam

Hummingbirds and handgrenades

Today there is this beautiful hummingbird that keeps dive bombing a window in my study. I have been in here pretty much non-stop for the last several days. I told most everyone that I was going out of town and have just been at home hiding out. I had intended to leave town...actually was on the road when I realized that I had forgotten several really important things and so had to come home. I should clarify this. Lately stress has been my constant companion and I always seem to get a better perspective when I'm on the road. The whole travelling/thinking thing works for me. So the other day I just found myself driving and driving and driving. I wasn't headed anywhere I was just driving. It didn't help. I'm still a fucking mess. Blah, blah, blah. I don't want to whine so I am not going to get into it let's just say that food and sleep would be really nice.

I keep trying to remind myself that it is all really ok. That I don't have another surgery coming up. That I have this great new job starting soon etc. But it really isn't helping any. Relationships are a huge pain in the ass.

Later,
Sam