Take a left past rational and keep walking

Ok so I had a bit of a meltdown the last few days. I think I turned into crazy boyfriend guy for a few days. I am not very proud of my allowing fear/anxiety to become such a big part of my universe. It was not one of my finer moments. I didn’t hear from Kate for several days and the last time all of that happened she had left so I freaked out…. completely. I have never gotten that freaked out ever. Well one time I woke up with something IN my right ear and kinda’ lost it for a while but let’s remember that I was on some serious percoset at the time and there was a bug in my ear so it doesn’t really count. NO this one is all mine. I own it. I allowed my emotions to overwhelm my rational self and turned into a nutcase for a few days. It isn’t all about Kate, she was just the catalyst and, unfortunately, the focus. With my being forced out of the business that I built and with this ridiculous lawsuit (I can’t talk about it but it is a huge pain in my ass) I am fairly well stressed. Then there was the whole Kate came back, is she back, what’s going on stuff and on top of it the daily BS from the business and it all was, apparently, more than my little emotional self could handle. So readers I have made an absolute ass of myself for the last several days. A right proper git I am. What did I do? Well let me tell you. I called her about 20 times in five days. I drove to her place to have a talk, unannounced! Twice! The first time she wasn’t home so we can add stalker guy in there too, great. I am so very proud. Seriously I just came unglued for a few days and unloaded this massive amount of stress at her.

Why the massive overreaction? I spent much of this morning thinking about that and I have a few ideas. The first is that I am carrying more stress than I realized and so any additional was just ratcheting up the twitch levels. Next would be that I lost track of how fantastic my life is because I got caught up in focusing on the crap that was happening instead of all of the great stuff. (more on that later) The other thing is that well…umm….Kate is far more important to me than I really want to admit. Those of you unlucky enough to know me know that I am usually an “in charge” kind of guy. Command decisions followed by immediate action. I make statements rather than question most of the time. I am always on guard in some way. My armor is always on. I can’t help it it’s just who I am. With Kate I am disarmed, utterly defenseless. It both scares the shit out of me and thrills me to no end. I don’t want to start sounding flowery or pie eyed so let me just say that if I haven’t screwed this up, and I may have, then I am just gonna “keep my eyes on the prize” and navigate this as best I can. I have no doubt that I will fall down a few times but I have never shied away from something just because it was tough or dangerous. Hell that’s part of what makes it worth doing.

Today I am focusing on all the other aspects of my life. The great new job, the farm, my idiot dogs. The fact that my health is great, I feel better than at any time in the last several years. That I have such truly good friends. That Kate is here and I can simply trust in that and let the fear/anxiety over it speak its peace and move on past it. This whole being alive and living life thing is a helluva trip. What is an adventure without some challenges?

Let me finish with this. I am sorry for being such a pain lately and stressing out on the people in my life that I care about. Thanks to all of you for being here and for caring. I heard everything you said and if, as it is said, the true measure of a man is the quality of his friends and the people who love him then I have a lot to be proud of.

Oh and Kate. Thanks for putting up with me. You’re fantastic.



Later,
Sam